Why cultivating life-giving friendships matter in life, work and your self-care
Friendships are at the core of a life lived well.
Therefore cultivating and enjoying life-giving, form the foundation of self-care.
In an ever-accelerating and distracted world and in a culture that praises hustle, achievement and getting ahead, there is one thing that is rarely talked about.
Friendship.
In the wisdom book of Proverbs, a good friend is described as loyal and one who sticks closer than a brother, a person whose words are sincere and trusted and whose wounds carry the weight of honesty.
Loneliness is our silent epidemic in a society absorbed in self. Our health deteriorates when our friendships fade and the cure for loneliness, is connection.
There is little point in reaching the heights of wealth and the pinnacle of your career with an empty house and no one to call.
In this piece, I’d like to talk to you about being a friend and valuing those people in your life who think you’re pretty cool.
Over my 44 years, I have collected two distinct groups of friends
- High school or “Pre-Dr. Jonathan” friends
And
2. “Post Dr Jonathan” friends
Comprising each group are people who have been on life’s journey with me. From the formative years of high school, right through to learning how to deal with the complexities, issues and challenges of being a husband, doctor and dad.
My high-school friends know me as the skinny delinquent Malaysian-Indian who rebelled hard against the system, didn’t mind breaking the rules or wagging school, was a grunge rocker with illicit tastes, but all the while had profoundly deep thoughts, read voraciously and through all the badness and madness, wanted to become a doctor!
My post-Dr Jonathan friends, see me in far a different light from the person I used to be in high school and my late teens. I am known within this group as a thorough, diligent and passionate doctor, interested in end-of-life care and Pain Medicine, skilled in communicating complex issues and generally some type of award-winning nerd.
The beautiful thing about friendship is that each person within these groups brings out the best of me, different elements of my character that benefit the group collectively and our world.
Every friendship brings a piece of my character to life, one that would remain dormant and never to be discovered if it wasn’t sparked into being by another person.
C.S. Lewis reflected on this thought as he wrote about the death of one of his closest friends, Charles Williams.
“In each of my friends, there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets.
Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s [Tolkien’s] reaction to a specifically Charles joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him “to myself” now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald”.
Within your friendship group, certain people can bring out parts of your character that benefit the entire group. This elevates the level of intimacy and connection and allows others to show facets of themselves that would otherwise never be called to life.
We thrive in friendships and our character grows in groups.
Without friendships, the depth of who we are and what we are capable of would never be known.
There is something wonderful and profound about being known, accepted and loved for who you are.
Whilst our friendships can serve us well and are essential for our sense of connectedness, our work and the busyness of life can sometimes erode these connections.
Working, sacrifice and the loss of friendships
Our work and mission certainly shape the course and direction of our lives. However, in our upward trajectory, there is a cost borne to the closest connections in our lives.
In my late 20s, as I was starting my medical career in Tamworth, New South Wales, I lost touch with several of my closest friends from high school.
Avram was in New York, Phil was exploring the world, Dave and Cameron were living in Japan, Benbo was living in rural Victoria, Aaron was in New Zealand, Steve and Marty were riding the FIFO mining boom in WA and Eugene was building his tech-business.
We were all busy!
Whilst I was still forming friendships at work, I missed my school friends, especially in the way that each one of them brought out parts of my being and elements of my character that would have helped to ground me and offset the new challenges I was facing as a young doctor.
I remember this period because the loneliness I experienced was profound. I had taken my friendships for granted and hadn’t been proactive in cultivating their growth.
The function of busyness, distance and work issues had unfolded naturally and started to deplete those once spontaneous and overflowing deep wells of friendship capital.
This clip between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah is what sparked my thinking about friendship.
Trevor Noah summarises it well when he says that in pursuit of career elevation, we are always sacrificing something, and more often than not, it is a close relationship.
These days between WhatsApp and Messenger, I am in continuous contact and conversation with my friends. It is a rich source of humour, controversial viewpoints, low-key schoolyard ribbing and most importantly discussions about our lives, encouraging one another and keeping each other accountable.
More importantly, in building a work-life that prioritises friendships and connection, I am learning from the doctors I admire the most. For example, my boss Michael is going for a week-long Mountain Bike adventure with his friends from University that he made 30 years ago — talk about building friendship capital!
When we sacrifice our lives at the altar of work and busyness, it is almost always a relationship or connection that we are sacrificing.
In our places of challenge and our moments of suffering, it is the warm embrace, the wise counsel and the loving words of a friend that help us get through tough times.
A key part of how I practice self-care and build this into the rhythm of my life is scheduling time with friends. It’s using my commute for connection, Saturdays for fun and laughter and holidays for making lasting memories.
But more often than not, it is a text message to check in and a call to say hi, what's up and to share a laugh.
Friendships are at the core of a life lived well.
Thank you.
Dr. Jonathan Ramachenderan
Live intentionally.
Love relentlessly.
Enjoy your health.
